Azania Lies Burning

This group blog is an invitation to the collective dance...again. Or perhaps that's just denial entrenching itself and this is just a space of mediation and articulation as we go our separate ways with dignity and purpose....

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY WATCHING STINKAPEEis not a opener to negotiation

Over the weekend, dd, stinkapee and I were over at my folks, which was very useful cause it once again allowed me to see what really informs the way I act - much to my horror. So, what did I witness? - try non-communication, and a total lack or complete inability to negotiate so many things.

My father also takes things very personally, even to a point that when Stinkapee questions him, he feels like she is not asking him curious questions - but is rather: "making fun of him". I am not kidding.
This isn't new information, but it is really crucial to see considering - I tend to assume that my behaviours are natural and normal. Do you know, mother actually said to me: "ss, you're gonna have to forget everything we taught you about how to engage, interact in the house, or negotiate - cause its all wrong."

I was stunned. I was relieved. I was shocked.

Days later, or perhaps the next day, I was planning my Tuesday morning in the house, and it involved me being out of the house most of the morning. I would be at a school supervising some facilitators doing a presentation. DD had a midwifery appointment that day (SHE is DUE to give birth anyday now.) As I was on my way to fold laundry in the house, I said to her, very off the cuff: "so, are you gonna be ok with Stinkapee tomorrow morning?"
Now, typing this - I no that makes no sense.

DD, who is totally pregnant, feet swollen, with a midwife appointment on the other side of town - is being asked tomorrow "are you gonna be ok with her daughter.."

I claimed to have thought it thru, and in fact, I thought in my heart of hearts that I had. I totally believed that it was a conversation opener - in which, I thought it would lead to me stating: Stinkapee can come with me cause my work is at a school and totally child friendly.

DD was rightful angry. Even as I look at this preceding paragraph, it makes no sense. SO how could I have been so confident? I spend at least 20 minutes trying to convince dd that I trying to dumb Stinkapee on to her. But the reality is - that was the first sentence out of my mouth.

As I sit and reflect on my weekend with my folks, and I embark on the intentional reading series with another man (which will focus on our childhoods) - i'm reminded how much patience dd has had to have with me- but more importantly, how little energy she has remaining. She can't / Shouldn't have to keep pointing this stuff out.

And so, I must move my work.


ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY WATCHING STINKAPEEis not a opener to negotiation

Over the weekend, dd, stinkapee and I were over at my folks, which was very useful cause it once again allowed me to see what really informs the way I act - much to my horror. So, what did I witness? - try non-communication, and a total lack or complete inability to negotiate so many things.

My father also takes things very personally, even to a point that when Stinkapee questions him, he feels like she is not asking him curious questions - but is rather: "making fun of him". I am not kidding.
This isn't new information, but it is really crucial to see considering - I tend to assume that my behaviours are natural and normal. Do you know, mother actually said to me: "ss, you're gonna have to forget everything we taught you about how to engage, interact in the house, or negotiate - cause its all wrong."

I was stunned. I was relieved. I was shocked.

Days later, or perhaps the next day, I was planning my Tuesday morning in the house, and it involved me being out of the house most of the morning. I would be at a school supervising some facilitators doing a presentation. DD had a midwifery appointment that day (SHE is DUE to give birth anyday now.) As I was on my way to fold laundry in the house, I said to her, very off the cuff: "so, are you gonna be ok with Stinkapee tomorrow morning?"
Now, typing this - I no that makes no sense.

DD, who is totally pregnant, feet swollen, with a midwife appointment on the other side of town - is being asked tomorrow "are you gonna be ok with her daughter.."

I claimed to have thought it thru, and in fact, I thought in my heart of hearts that I had. I totally believed that it was a conversation opener - in which, I thought it would lead to me stating: Stinkapee can come with me cause my work is at a school and totally child friendly.

DD was rightful angry. Even as I look at this preceding paragraph, it makes no sense. SO how could I have been so confident? I spend at least 20 minutes trying to convince dd that I trying to dumb Stinkapee on to her. But the reality is - that was the first sentence out of my mouth.

As I sit and reflect on my weekend with my folks, and I embark on the intentional reading series with another man (which will focus on our childhoods) - i'm reminded how much patience dd has had to have with me- but more importantly, how little energy she has remaining. She can't / Shouldn't have to keep pointing this stuff out.

And so, I must move my work.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Reading and Writing

I think dd is quite correct is that, in the mist of all of the repeated stuff going on inside Azania, stinkapee is getting her full writing and reading practice. I propose every morning a morning exercise that asks her to use her fine motor skills to write a letter to someone she really cares about. It could be: Lady Ophelia of Monrovia, it could be to her friends, it could be to a pretend friend like Barney. But I am going to make up a mini-schedule and would like collective members (especially, Bonga, who agreed to spear head this) - to comment and add.

I also like dd idea of having an intentional reading time - where stinks can see everyone in the house reading and doing quite time.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

listserv communications re: token-based work list...

darkdaughta wrote:
One of the things my new doula (birth assistant) J. suggested yesterday was that we in azania try a token-based work/chore list in order to provide incentive for work and
chores to get done.

I pointed out to her, that since bongafish and phoenix specialize in sabotage
and passive aggression and since they prefer convenience, this might
not work.

But I think it's still worth a try.

I'd like to propose that we establish a list of household chores and a
list of one shot house cleaning stuff that might only happen once or
twice a year and a list of azania to do's like keeping finances in
check, checking phone messages, responding to emails, posting on the
azania listserv, posting on our personal listservs, spending stinkapee
time, waking up at night with stinkapee, orgnizing and doing special
activities with stinkapee, making meals, house laundry, proposing and
writing grant applications, bill payment organizing, job searches for
azania members, writing cover letters, researching purchases,
negotiating openly and truthfully, offering emotional support to
azania members, plus whatever else people can think of (this isn't a
comprehensive list, so don't be fucking lazy and use it as the basis
for the token/work list).

For me the plus to this would be not having to police phoenix, bongafish's
and seminalson's work. If the job isn't done (well), I'm sure other people
will object to the person who was supposed to get the token getting
the token.

The tokens would be good for stuff we might not normally make room for
like money for nights out, dinners, hair colouring, smokes,
clothing/shoe shopping money, movies, trips out of the province, trips
out of the country. Like Air Miles. The list of prizes would have to
be established by all of you. We'd have to set aside a percentage of
monies in a fund to pay for this stuff.

Obviously, tokens would have to accumulate much more for big ticket
items than for smaller things. Obviously, some jobs might be more
involved or more nasty or sweaty or time consuming and these would get
more tokens/points than other jobs. So, this means that although
person could stretch out a task like washing the dishes or cleaning
the bathtub or sweeping the floor, they won't get any more points for
doing that task than they would if they did many lower token tasks
quickly and effectively, thereby racking up some big points.

This wouldn't get a person out of doing the everyday tasks they've
already commited to doing, it will just attach a very literal value to
the work they are doing.

Anyways, I'm proposing that the three of you bang something out,
discuss it, tweek it and post it in clear sight so we can get moving
with this.

Thoughts?


phoenix wrote:
I think the putting the work list and establishing values to the different work that needs to get done is really important and in of itself valuable.

i'm thinking tracking the work that people do (in chart format) could get really cumbersome and fill up real quick (if done on a fridge for example)

but perhaps if people keep track of the work that they do and post it online-- say on a weekly basis that might work.

and ultimately it is good for us to ground in and speak to and make visible the work we do (and dont do-- speaking for me as the one who clings most to doing convenient and easy tasks) in relation to each other.

and i guess, if just the fact of taking care of our own home, or buiding my own home hasnt been enough motivation for me-- perhaps the 'rewards' will work as motivation.

It all seems kind of yucky and distasteful-- need to get rewarded to do work in my own house-- but I suppose this is where I would say-- well my choices not to do work in my own house and to leave and or force that work on others is yucky and distasteful for others around me.

so that said...

I say green to this proposal. I'm good for meeting with seminal and bongafish to hammer out and post the specifics of the Azania work list, rewards list, and point system.


darkdaughta wrote:
phoenix,
I don't trust you or bongafish to keep track honestly of the work you do.
This is what you've been trusted to do already and you have both taken
advantage of this to do the minimum amount of work possible, when forced.


darkdaughta wrote:
phoenix,
I took a list from the Paramount's bathroom when seminalson and I saw the movie on
Sunday. I think if they can use lists with "done" and with initials of
who saw that it was sufficiently well done and if they can do this for
probably one hundred employees, if not more, on any given day, it
shouldn't be such a stretch for us to chart the work of four adults in
a house...unless of course, you and bongafish make it really difficult and
cumbersome to do so. Yeah, I'll take this as your notice letting me
know that you're planning on doing just that.

bongafish wrote:
I will go ahead with the list.

I have been thinking about how I will attempt to sabotage the Token-Based
work list, even though I think it is a good idea. I was hiding this in
draft, here it is:

Hi,
I won't keep track of the work that I do in a Token-based work list, I'll
passively aggressively sabotage the list until it becomes too much of a
struggle to maintain:

I will mark things as completed while leaving the cleanup or reset
unfinished,

I'll also drag work along slowly so that the higher value tasks will get
done at the expense of my daily chores,

I'll plan time poorly so that someone else has to finish up, but I'll expect
to get the tokens for it,

I'll also leave the entire creation and maintenance of the list for seminalson or
darkdaughta, or phoenix if she's on, to supervise,

I'll also take a long break from working on high token tasks once I redeem
the tokens. For example, if I get a pack of cloves after accruing x number
of tokens, then I'll not do work until that pack has been smoked, then work
only when I want another one.

or I'll not do any work at all, and commit to more of a life of misery, with
nothing that I enjoy. I think this system works only for those who want to
enjoy their lives, and I'm okay with not.

or I'll manipulate other people to get what I want without having to use the
token system at all.

I'll procrastinate on making the list actually happen - taking a long time
to set it up, suggest minor changes along the way that will stretch out the
time it will take to get the list up and running.

because token, or no token, I don't want to do work.

and I'll also doubly sabotage it because it is a suggestion from someone
outside of Azania.

So this is what I will do if the Token-based Azania work list proposal
manages to get off the ground.

Why would I do this? I would do this because I want to maintain the level of
non-work that I've created. I think that I'm not getting enough of what I
want as it is, why make it harder for me to get more? This list will prevent
me from manipulating attention from everyone in the house, but in order of
importance, darkdaughta, seminalson, phoenix, stinkapee, - for doing work. I'll just have to be accountable to myself and this list, that won't give me attention - except
for the reward at the end of the day... which will take work to build up.
*my* work. And while I understand it, it goes against my position in life,
which is to have someone else to prepare the way for me.

--

That said, I propose to work in losing tokens as a consequence for
sabotaging the list. I will post this on the blog later today. I am later
than I said I'd be getting back, and I have to change the names to the
handles before putting it on the blog. .. then I'll respond to myself.

phoenix wrote:
usually when I express doubt about my capacity to do something, or say I anticipate this problem or this difficulty with doing a certain thing, I usually follow by letting whatever I've identifed/created as a block become a block ( in the mornings-- saying "I cant/ wont get nemo ready with brushing her teeth, bathing) ("I am not willing/ able to be emotionally present and supportive with anyone in Azania)

in other words- I say I cant do something and then go on to not do that something

instead of taking the next step and thinking about what I would need to do to make something work

so I understand that it is based on my track record of me more usually NOT DOING exactly that which I say I cant/ wont or see as complicated/difficult to do that you are saying: "Yeah, I'll take this as your notice letting me know that you're planning on doing just that."

that said, I think the token based work list can be made to work, and I'm willing to try

as the day goes on (when I'm alone) I'll keep adding to this list I've put in a table format (continuing off of darkdaughtas first email when she proposed the token-based list)

the list I'm working on is attached as a word document

then we can put together all the different lists we come up with and go from there...

in terms of ranking/adding a value to them

and then adding a value to the list of tokens we all come up with.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

myRITUAL

so, i just spoke with DD about ritual. she makes a good point. How about my own altar (which was setup and i ignored). and moving from there.

re: twisting and manipulation...

bongafish, i really "appreciate" the way that you make sure to keep your comments so disembodied that only the people who actually live with you are certain about the references you make. this leaves everyone else to just see you as a depressed, self-victimizing, confused person who is probably being too hard on herself.

i'm hoping that one day you'll actually be able to piece together in some coherent form the stuff you've done that has led to you being avoided by the people who formally had welcomed you into their/our lives with open arms, that led to you not getting even a modicum of positive attention from the people you said you wanted to live/be in community with.

until that happens...
until you fess up to the daily dishonesty always shamefacedly confessed to but never discontinued, to the unabashed emotional leeching, to the persistent hierarchical power playing, to the predatory competitive streak you perpetuate even in relation to people in your community who you said you wanted to work with not against, to the princess-like avoiding the work of maintaining your own home, to the attention getting behaviours, to the passive-agressive acting out of willingly suppressed/created/guarded rage, to the victim stance as undercover powerful defense against any boundaries I or any other person in the house can set...
until you stop trying to avoid dealing with how your parents raised you and stop trying to save face in your own bizarre way...
the rest of us understand that your blog entries will continue to make no sense when juxtaposed with the reality of the shit that happens everyday...
and I will continue to understand that you and I won't have anything powerful/creative/ generative/loving/beautiful to discuss that won't be grounded in and perverted by all of this crap.
I have no space to hold your hand as you willingly strike out and do harm while manifesting your usual guilty face. As I maintain always, I have my own crap, my own childhood stuff, my own powerful work to figure out.

You have had many spaces and people identified as possible supports that could offer some movement in your life and in your relationships. You've refused and returned to me time and time again with every last tidbit of madness intact and unchecked. This is why I don't talk to you and want you to stay out of the house as much as possible in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. The image of you wandering the streets is preferrable in my mind to the image of me being so distraught I can't ground, eventually leading me to a caesarean and post partum depression. Since I've been forced to make the choice, I again choose myself over you.

Take care of yourself and your (inner) child. I won't build a life, home, existence, relationship for you while you stand and just look cute and cool and smart and in control around those who don't know you.

p.s., L. the counsellor you have avoided seeing since december called saying she can schedule a meeting time for you, so can you please check your voicemail promptly for the details and return her call instead of sabotaging this possible source of solid support in you life (and ours)?

RITUAL

DD, I'm emotionally absorbing the choices I make, as well as thinking about the ritual with Ophelia, the doula and Stinkapee. And boy, I didn't grow up doing much of any kind of ritual.

My reading – for this ritual

Stinkapee’s naming ceremony speech

Incense

Water

A special drinking cup (communal)

All hands on DD’s belly and some deep breaths in unison ask the universe to provide a safe and health birth for both baby and DD.

I can get some soil – perhaps we can rub it on DD’s tummy

Food: not sure yet

NEW BABY

Well, dd is not far off. I think it might be nice - given all that has happened, I purpose some kind of daily reading for dd's health and the coming baby's health. I lay in bed last night, really really sad about the choices I have made - the behaviours I have modelled to the rest of the collective members. These behaviours have certainly played a part in sabotaging Azania, not to mention my relationship with DD.

I dreamt last night that the baby was born in parts, and once out of DD - all of it parts joined together - similar to the mercury-like robot in T2: judgement day. What does that actually mean?

I know, I've chosen to be disconnected and somewhat removed from the new baby's arrival. This is not to say that I haven't been thinking about it, it's just that I haven't been completely connected.

This is a choice that I made, that from today, I want to change course on. Some of the basis for this: a few days back I planned an editing session with a collegue of mine at the house. I didn't negotiate time/space/ how I saw it going in the aftermath of me being up til 3am. DD has a party invite on the same night that on the table days, if not, weeks prior.

They went out, and I had the chance to sleep early, and wake up with Stinkapee - so others could get rest. I didn't . In fact, DD ended up having to be with Stinkapee in the morning. more...

Monday, May 29, 2006

Entitlement

No, not quite an oops. More like, I knew what I wanted and set out of series of actions that would get me what I want. Moreover, I then made no agreements regarding what would happen the next morning.

I'm talking here about they choices I have made over the years to conciously benefit from DD's energy of sharing, visioning, and having faith. I do I deliver in return? Being cheap, conservative, and really not trusting/ or having faith.

This makes no sense given that so much of what we have, so much in our relationship, - but specifically, so much that I have been able to do has come from her energy. And on some level, I must feel - I do feel like she owes me something. I already talked about being triggered around this, and around that... blah blah.. that's old now.

No, I know it is something called: entitlement. A large piece of me actually thinks it's OK to recieve my partner's energy and return it with a huge: I DON'T CARE. (I'm having very clear flashes of my folks' dynamics)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I am expecting two cheques this week
One from the restaurant. I reminded the owner that the minimum wage has gone up and he’s using needing to talk to his accountant as a stalling tactic for paying me immediately. I get paid from my day job tomorrow, I’ll put either that cheque or the restaurant money towards first rent. The place I found is $600 plus hydro. I payed $600 last week from the day job cheque.

I went to curry’s art store says they do set up accounts for organizations not families. I don‘t know if we need to have a business number or something – I’ll post when I get that info.

bongafish I picked up an joint bank account application last week. According to the form it seems the bank will be doing a credit check which I may or may not pass given my student loan debt and cell phone debt in collections. If opening an account with this bank doesn’t work I’m proposing to make my existing account a joint one if that can be done with no credit check.
I ‘ll get more details from my bank about this so that either way I’ll be ready to meet with you to do it anytime after 5:30 next week. Please e-mail what day works for you.
This is the account I will be depositing my cash repayments to Azania.

I took a look at the money I forcasted getting in tips –I made only a fraction of that. One weekend was the easter parade and the place was dead and the next weekend it was cold and raining and equally slow all weekend.. I put what I did make towards utilitarian things but I also find that I fritter the change away on things like snacks and coffees and that that small change adds up quickly. I also ate out often while I was looking for apartments.

Because of this I have been envisioning a system where I deposit it at the end of my shift as I head home. If any Azanian has an existing account with the bank I was considering for the joint account perhaps I could simply deposit the $ directly into their account.

The landlady won’t be renting the place for May- I think she’s going to do some work on the place. Biafra came with her movers and got all her stuff
.
I am putting the last coats of white paint up. Hopefully I won’t have to get another can.
I felt reluctant to paint over my room. I feel reluctant to go even as I think the new place will be good.

Condi‘s doing well. I’ve started telling him about his new home i think he’ll like it . I’m really happy he’ll be moving with me. Thank you for Condi. I really love that cat.
I remember the times I was careless with Condi – saying she’s not my cat. I’ve been given a lot of things in Azania that I didn’t ”own” and didn’t treat with care.. As I pack it seems every pair of shoes or storage container reminds me of my saying no I don’t want it don’t need it don’t like it as it was being given to me. And now I ‘ve experienced the value the sense the usefulness of these things I look around and I know that I was buoyed by dark daughtas life experience and forsight. I feel like I was really young for saying no. and proud. (in the waste of energy kind of way..)

There are things I don’t want to give back. I don’t want to give back the silver key holder dark daughta gave me, I didn’t want to give back the wine coloured glasses I thought you had given me. I don’t want to give back the photos I have from bongafish when I was stating to make the Nemo’s World children’s book.
But I can.
I just don’t want to.
Just saying.
Phoenix there are some items at the house which i can bring by next week sometime: your blender, iron and ironing board and alarm clock so far.

The 2 simulated wood pantry cupboard units as well. I like them and would use them, but I’d also be ok without them. Do other Azanians want them?
Crap the café is closing.
I’ll continue.

later that same night

Good Night Phoenix,
I was hearing your voice this evening saying "please blog" from the last time i saw you , and the time before that and the time before that.
i was going to tell myself what i have been telling myself every night which is i should paint , pack , clean, do laundy and i'll e-mail tomorrow. you've lived at close enough range to see how "i'll do it tomorrow" works out with me.
Iit doesnt.
so i figured enough was enough- the month is almost done and i'm still fiddling with the ball in my court in terms of communication. i came to the internet cafe and i just got your message. i skimmed it super quick cause the cafes not open much longer, but i'll respond actually , not procastination-wise, tomorrow.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

phoenix, in response to "housekeeping"...

this note isn't the most literary thing i've ever written...gotta eat breakfast...energy is dropping.

phoenix, i read your email to the listserv about housekeeping and asked you to post it here on the community blog.

i didn't respond to what you wrote because i had some nagging unformed thoughts i couldn't put into words.

as i showered this morning my thoughts came clear...

do you remember me for months being the mama of the house, handing out chores, checking to see if they had been done and how well and by whom?

do you remember me deciding to stop being the impetus for housework in our community's main house and the chaos that has ensued as seminalsone tried to keep up some semblance of normalcy around the house, while juggling a job and trying to provide care for stinkapee and support bongafish as she refused to be her own agent of change in the house, as she refused to be someone who moved beyond trying to suck attention and validation, while refusing to do housework without being asked, while refusing to work with stinkapee and be a part of her education without being asked?

do you remember me reminding everyone that i'm going to be giving birth and may not be available to be super mama of house keeping and care once the baby is born?

do you remember me asking that you and bongafish develop new eyes and support seminalson in upkeeping our home?

do you remember me asking all of you to not walk by things that need to be put away in the house?

do you remember me asking all of you to not do half assed cleaning and maintenance jobs?

do you remember me saying that when you choose to sweep around not under, when you choose to paint over not around, when you choose to wash quickly but not well, i end up figuratively walking behind all of you redoing and tweaking the work you say you've finished?

do you remember me asking you to do an orientation with seminalson and bongafish to find out where everything goes in the house so you can know and be able to work effectively alongside them?

do you remember me saying that i wouldn't give you a list of what needed to be done in the house so that you could perform tasks like an automaton seeking direction from big mama?

do you remember me saying that i needed you to be able to interact organically and thoughtfully with the space so that you would develop a consciousness and perspective on what the house should be?

do you remember me saying that i already have a visual and sensory understanding of what is happening in the house, but i can't accomplish what needs to be done on my own and refuse to hand out chore list to all of you as if you're teenagers rather than grown wimmin?

do you remember me talking about the power of ongoing maintenance which involves putting things back in their places and cleaning up after yourselves?

well, you wrote your own to do list, a sort of fuck you flying in the face of what i asked of you when i asked you to identify with the house and become a principal mover and shaker creating structure, so that i could abdicate the role of leader and commander of the house. you are blocking my request that i simply be a part of the house rather than the person who remembers where things go, the person defining where things go, the person juggling knowledge of what needs to be done, etc...

you gave your own self a list that is finite. you will work through it and interact with seminalson and bongafish about the contents of that list. and what will happen when that list is done. will your work be done? will you write another list? will you again turn to me for direction? will you chase down bongafish and seminalson who are also struggling to develop relationships with the house that allow them to maintain it's beauty and functionality? what will you do, phoenix?

and so, i say to HEll with your list(s). :) I need to live in a house with someone who can think and envision home, who can identify with the space they occupy...without duress, who has house pride that drives their daily movements through the space, who will use brain matter to dream and manifest a home/sanctuary/base along with me, not trailing half-assedly behind me. what'cha got?

Updating the Azania intentional community description...

I made some rudimentary changes to the intentional communities azania description. Truth is, the whole description needs to be overhauled based on where we are now, what we have been through and what we know about ourselves and each other. Does anyone have any ideas about where to head?

darkdaughta

Friday, April 21, 2006

PURE excitement!!

I just spent some time reading, reflecting and feeling about my life. I was standing outside, looking at the backyard, feeling the crisp air as the spring air whipped my face.

I just had a burst of energy that I'm running with about Azania. I am feeling really good about where we are going and the work we are all doing in terms of our personal development, are radical truth telling and our feelings.

I'm feel liberated being in this family - being able to be myself - love everyone as they actually are - build true (yet very difficult) new relationships with my parents, and new intentional lovers and friends.

It's important for me to remind myself of how fortunate I am to be apart of this collective... it is so alive, so raw, so organic, so real - that I know, some people - in fact - most people are like: what the hell are you guys doing?

You're damn right: it's like nothing I've ever experience b4. There is no precedent. And there is no other place I'd rather be.

So that said: Long live Azania... cause we've only just begun. Thank you: dd, phx, bonga and even biafia and taz... but most especially STINKAPEE - you are my inspiration.

Here we go...

IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?yes, it really is...

SO, I feel VERY SAD that the state has been invited into our home. I really feel sad. I feel like we really struggle to be the best caregivers possible, sitting with and dealing with our emotional selves. Yes we struggle with dd, we go to counsellors and really dealing with our stuff. We try. We attempt to be proactive. Bonga, encouraged by dd to see a counselor, gave her therapist some back story, history about her past childhood, and how this weaves into her present. For example, she told us she told her counsellor that in talking about her past with her bio-parents, and their emotional neglect of her, she was concerned and watching to make sure that this would not happen with Stinkapee. Bonga was being proactive and I support her in doing this. Her counsellor took this information and wrongly assumed that understood that Stinkapee was in danger from Bonga - which she is not - and filed an report with an arm of the state.

I am angry at Bonga's counsellor for not informing Bonga of her the client/practioner relationship; and her counsellor's decision to keep secret files on her and not voice her concerns - I am disheartened in another way. That is, I'm feeling sad around the structure that exists in our community right now to deal with this or any other crisis.

Azania is to be a strong group of adults caring for a child, caring for our lives as we attempt to build something better and stronger, and more solid than what we had when we were growing up.

And as I know we must move thru this - and we will - (as I say this, Phx just told me she going to clean the bathroom2) I'm forced to think about what I should have been up to by this point in Azania. The choices that I made that have led not being prepared.

It has been totally unexceptable. And I mean this, because dd literally shared ALL of her tools, her experiences, all wrapped in emotional support to build in this community and I was to (and still am) wrapped up in ego and self importance to move consistently thru it.

I can hear it now... because I hear it all the time... you're being too hard on yourself S2. You're doing the best that you can, and all you can do at this point is breath. No, I can do a hell of a lot more than that.

First, I can post this, so someone out there reading can see / learn from my experience. Also, too me, what exists right now in Azania, I need to understand does not mean - ok - we're in a crisis and so, all bets are off, and so - I need to try and go into nuclear hetero mode and start interacting with dd like everything I know about her is theory and pretend. Now would not be the time to give up on my agreements. Now would not be the time to try and forget about our poly relationship and for me to re-treat into monogamy.

Hell, you might say: I WOULD, sounds great - makes sense to me - after all, look at what Bonga has modelled to everyone in the community. What options do I have left? And when I say modelled to everyone in community, I'm talking about her having known dd the longest and chosen to block relationship building amongst the members unless she was central.

But it isn't great, it's messed up.

Last night, when I got back to the house from a parenting group with Bonga, I was feeling pretty low because of what had happened during the day with the state. I got home, and immediately wanted to be away from Bonga - who was doing her regular 'i'm falling asleep, i'm tired, i haven't eaten dinner' routine and being generally uncommunicative in the taxi. I called her out on this, but she does it so often, to her it's like putting butter on bread. She likes being called on it.

This stuff she does is very manipulative. But at this point it's outrageous. We are trying to get this home running well, Stinkapee safe and educated; food supply maintained; Phx's new space moved in from another house; house maintenance in order; ARRIVAL OF THE NEW BABY in the next few weeks; own our stuff around sucking dd emotionally and not being accountable - note to Bonga - stop modelling messed up behaviours to Phx and me. Stop it.

Anyway, at the house that night, I put Stinkapee down for the night, and saw Phx. Her and Bonga were having some dynamic which I really needed to be away from - but wasn't ready to speak to fully to. Not out of respect for their stuff. No. it was more like - I wasn't ready to ask them for what I needed for my support (given what happened today) in my moment and of course, I can always default to "where's dd??" she's in the house no? I'll find her ...

Found her: she was in comfy cozy - our living room space. It was wonderful to see dd. It's always wonderful to see dd. But in our interaction, she made a valid point, she wanted to know what I wanted from her - she had been home watching television for a couple of hours now, and (as I know, and she has stated many times) if she actually wants something - she'll SAY so.

And she was right. She's not one of those - "oh, you're being silent so I need to do something to make you better." The truth was, I needed to do something to move thru what I was feeling.
And so, I kissed dd and went back upstairs and relayed the brief interaction I had with dd to Bonga and Phx.

I told them I was should have asked for what I needed earlier in the evening. Phx was like - remember I asked you when you came in S2 - how are you feeling? She did. I blanked it - I was clear in my head when I arrived in the house: where's dd?

Anyway, Phx and Bonga asked what I'd like: I told them, I wanted to have a shower, smoke a little bit of a cigarette and then cry. I said I wanted one or both of them to be with me during my crying.

They agreed.


housekeeping / relationship building...

Seminalson here - so I'm excited to see our process on the Lies Buring blog. The whole purpose of the blog is for our process (not just difficult stuff, but our everyday lives) to be seen, documented. All that said, yesterday (Wednesday) dd and I were on our way out to get more crucial items for the house like bedding for the loft and Phx's space. Beautiful black striped sheets for me, yellow sheet set that matches that mustard/ sunshine effect going on in Phx's space. Still looking for more accessories for dd's SKYroom, and comfyCOZY.

Thursday came and stinkapee and I were off to Ballet and school and play. I called to checkin in the early afternoon, and told dd me that an arm of the state was at the house and wanted to see Stinkapee.

Stinkapee and I jumped in a taxi and headed for our house.

Monday, April 10, 2006

We've pretty much separated your stuff from ours...

Biafra,
I think that I mentioned in one of the two last communications I emailed to you via the listserv that we weren't going to be sorting through your things, differentiating between what you'd like to keep and what you'd like to dispose of for you.

Yet, in the proposal you sent, under the guise of leaving things for us to use, you've basically downloaded the job of taking care of the things you no longer want or can't deal with figuring out what to do with onto us.

"I propose to come with a van and movers to do the loading and moving of my belongings except for the following. I’m proposing that the move happen in one day, in a couple of hours, with everything packed, sorted negotiated before hand.
I would like to leave most things that is if it agreed, that are currently in use at the house, unless azanians would like for me to keep them or have no use for them then I will keep them and move them along with the rest of my things they include

Furnishings: the futon frame and mattress, the dining table that seminal son and darkdaughta bought for me, the lamps that were in dawn, the storage cabinet in the kitchen that I picked up with seminal son, the orange mat, the orange stool, the metal storage shelf in the shower bathroom, the garbage can, the plastic baskets, the ikea hanging unit, the wicker jewellery holders that darkdaughta gave to me.

Appliances: the can opener, I have one already
Utensils: I am indifferent especially as they became collective and I do not remember what came with. The same applies to wine/drinking glasses and mugs and plates.

Sheets: The chocolate sheet set that was bought collectively, the orange bed cover,
Books: I leave with the books that were on my shelf before I moved into woodbine house, everything else was bought collectively for azania.

Clothing: there are some special items that I am fine with leaving/returning to azania. the leather jacket that darkdaughta got phoenix to buy for me, all the purses, the blue corset, the pink lingerie, the big black rubber/leather jacket, the black studded belt darkdaughta picked for me.

I’d like to keep all my shoes including the ones that darkdaughta bought for me, I’d like to take the leather vest. I’d like to take all my pictures and photo album."

And so, we'd be left, against our wishes to decide how best to dispose of your things for you, leaving you to simply move the things you want into your new place. Which might have been fine (NOT) if you had actually requested and negotiated for this to happen. As it stands, we've been forced to gather all your things together, are still in the process of gathering all your things together and no one is interested in moving from sorting our stuff from yours to sorting out the things you've decided you'll keep from the things you'll leave with us to figure out. As you well know from our collective move last May, disposal of household objects is intense and expensive work, involving rubbish movers and potentially weeks of garbage/clutter around the outside of the house that we'd have to persuade the garbage people to take away bit by bit.

This will be your job, not ours. And although we'd be foolish to turn down the three practical offerings in your whole list - the futon which has found a home in the new family room, the microwave cabinet and the goat skin lamp (which was mine) - we're mostly not interested in assisting you in avoiding the emotional fallout of having to sort through the vestiges of the life you sort of shared with us. Truth be told there's no disguising or compensating for the fact that you've already left most of the dealing with the anger, hurt, disappointment that have come up so far while sifting through your things to us.

In terms of having to pick your things up from Taz...
Yes, through waiting until the absolute last minute to offer a counter proposal, rather than generating a proposal (like one of your exams or papers for school), you left the decision about how the move would take place entirely with us. So, now the move isn't primarily about dealing with your stuff. It's about moving in phoenix and her things which happens to necessitate clearing out the room. The best option for us is to get moving men to cart the things that are occupying the space (your things) over to Taz's whiere you can pick them up at your (and her) leisure without roping us indirectly into conversations and interactions that would be best initiated by you intentionally when you're actually willing and able.

It hasn't escaped any of us that the one thing that finally lit a fire under your ass and forced you to come up with some shoddy last minute proposal was us saying we would move your things over to Taz's where you would then have to deal with her (someone as unethical and flighty and uncommunicative and undercover enraged as yourself) rather than with us who you've constructed as your tormentors, the people you had to run away from, all the while knowing that you had been dealt with more fairly and ethically by us than you had chosen to treat us.

So, it makes sense that you would hop to it and attempt to do a zero hour quickie negotiation with us rather than go and deal with light-skinned, oftimes undercover dominating, cruel and condescending Taz who you know is as enfuriating and difficult to deal with as you are.

So what you wrote about the expense of moving is true, but you will not be able to manipulate us into helping you avoid any of uncomfortableness of this move by pushing buttons about money and scarcity. As I said, this move is no longer about you and your convenience. You made certain of that. It's now about us and ours. We're not here to be manouvered into taking care of you and your concerns while you stoke your own rage over us having avoided the life that was alloted to you. We've all got our own horrible, painful baggage to carry without having to shoulder yours as well.

Also, we all understand as do you, one simple fact. You are a breaker. This is something you haven't incorporated into your lovely proposal to come and move your own things. Your suppressed rage and pain usually bubbles to the surface in the form of things around you being destroyed while you stare and smile sheepishly and deny any knowledge of how this thing or that thing could have been destroyed...while you were in its general vicinity.

Biafra, given the fact that you haven't been sharing your thoughts and feelings on your blog or one this one, there's no way for us to be sure of what you'd be bringing in terms of harm to our home when/if you came to move your things.

This sort of conversation would have had to have taken place a while ago, probably under the watchful eye of the mediators I proposed you find, as part of a larger conversation about how exactly we were going to effectively and intentionally disentangle our lives from each others.

This is also something you yourself could have broached at the council or in the time afterwards or in your proposal post. As it stands, it's clear that you're probably sitll in denial about how much havoc you can wreak in a space simply by not fessing up to your own feelings.

Yet another reason why picking your things up from Taz who is also packing and moving will be better than coming here where we're in the process of rebuilding our home.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Biafra, a word about you and friends...

For most of our friendship/relationship/ex lovership/community alliance, you and I have been bantering back and forth about the friends you were enraged at but unable to cut off...until you befriended me. At which point you cut them all off without a word and made it seem as if I had encouraged you to do so. That sucks.

I don't know any of them, because you mostly refused to interact with them even when you were encouraged to do so...at least to verbally end your friendships with them if you so chose. By the time you decided to listen to me and try to find ways to actually build friendships with these wimmin, whatever friendships were there were severely compromised without you ever having said a word about why you'd left. Most of them conveniently chose to direct their (also unspoken) resentment at me as the understood source of your decision to leave them all out in the cold.

From where I'm standing I know that my conversations with you about your existence as a silenced/silent murderously enraged trauma survivor, storing rage, engaging in interactions where you were erased, developing unspoken attractions to the wimmin you knew while they disregarded you as potential lover material, your existence as a large, fat woman living with a disability, a continental african surrounded by Black, westernized diasporics (myself included) who had little or no understanding of what it means to be connected to the soil of the motherland, led you to connect with your own consciousness linked with rage (to get stuck there) and to subsequently reflect on your friendships in ways you chose (and still choose) not to discuss with your friends, choosing instead to distance from them.

Now that you've exited azania, it seems as if you have reentered these friendships-on-hold.

I've asked numerous times since you left for you to be straight up with these people about what you actually do in friendships, the ways you perform a particular persona so as to allow them to get comfortable with your silence, you inability to act on your own behalf. All the while stoking your rage at the ways they erase you (with your full support), ignore your disability and the life you're forced to lead (with your full support). All this so you can manouver them into becoming targets for your rage and manipulation.

I've repeatedly requested verbally and via email that you fess up to what you're about to do with them so that they can make conscious decisions about whether/how to do friendship with you.

Why is this coming up for me now? Why am I the one to bring to light all our numerous conversations besides the fact that you refuse to?

Self preservation, I guess.
I realized that in many of your blog posts you positioned as if your choices of friends or your ability to make friends was defined/constrained by azania. Without context, this is really dishonest stuff.

You weren't encouraged to make friends. You were encouraged to be honest about the way you chose/choose to displace the rage you carry at the torment and abuse you've experienced into your friendships. You were encouraged to do this as a way to hopefully not bring too much created, avoidable drama, too many people you had veiled hostility towards (yet called your friends) home to me and the other people you lived with. You were encouraged to overtly speak about the daily lived reality of your oppression as a woman living with a disability as a way to challenge those around you to deal with their/our ableist shit. Your were encouraged to openly share friendship networks and resources in community as people in azania had done with you.

In the time I spent in community with you, you refused.
What you're doing now, I'm not sure.

This is a strand of emailed transmissions between you and me that touches on what I've said above...

Thu Mar 16, 2006 3:53 pm
darkdaughta wrote:
So, then, you'll be telling the people trying to befriend you and the
ones who used to be friends with yo why you left and giving them the
warning they need? Not cool to be feeding off the blood of people who
haven't harmed you, now is it?

Biafra wrote:
I didn't want to reply to this because i was adding it to my list
of emails from you, from azanians that i have not responded to.
so i read it, had emotions as always and decided not to respond.

I do realize that especially if i'm going to posting things about
my brothers and sisters and family. its been changed.

comments: i'm trying to find the code , i simply erased it from
mine cos i really did not want them initially and why would I but
yes i will reactivate them.

No i didn't tell friends who asked why I left azania about the being really pissed off cos everyone recognized and were familiar with my favourite lies and
manipulations; that would be a serious check mate.

yes i would be giving them warning.

(snip)

darkdaughta wrote:
You do realize that most folks don't usually put their real names on
their blog sites, especially when they're dealing with personal
subject matter.

And yes, can you enable your comments so that you can receive comments
from the rest of azania?

And of course none of the people you've told about leaving us
understands why you would leave somewhere you were being taken care
of. You didn't mention that you left because you were trying to avoid
being accountable and were enraged because everybody had an
understanding of all your favourite manipulations and lies. And that
this really pissed you off.

Of course, if you were to tell everyone this, you'd be in effect
giving them information and warning about what you are going to do to
them in order to get your own way without ever having to deal in a
mature and adult fashion.

Hmmm....

Biafra,
Since you've decided to start doing a performative historical revision, I wanted to just place some of the listserv emails that were sent to you requesting you to deal with your own packing and move over the past few weeks/months. They don't all show me in my best light...namely I'm seriously pissed (it would probably look nicer to say I was hurt and feeling betrayed, but whatevah) I was cussing and bitching majorly. Differently? Since I keep trying to get you to come clean, I might as well make sure I'm conveying an adequate picture of everything I've said and wrote cuz I'm more interested in making sure that you don't paint a different picture of what you've done, than in covering my own ass and trying to look sweet.

this was an email that got sidetracked, but it is still a good time marker for when you were first requested to take charge of your own affairs rather than do what you had become known for doing inside azania...leaving others to figure it out as best as they could.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 11:31:07 -0500 (EST)
"Biafra or whatever you name actually is,
I understand that the script you're playing out has not come to an end. In fact you seem to have entrenched yourself even further in the idea that we have some sort of control over you. Which is convenient because you can continue to justify the ways you have chosen to harm, manipulate and take.

You have left giving no notice after having refused to communicate or negotiate for even your most basic human needs.

You have left us to pay for your rent, your bills and to heal from all the havoc you have caused with your unguided, undealtwith rage.

I realized a few days ago that I had once more presented myself as manipulable caretaker to you. I had offered to pack your things instead of requesting that you make you intent known and negotiate for whatever it was that you wanted to do with full accountability.

I realized that i had once more offered my labour to you with no possibility of reciprocation on your end. I had allowed you the opportunity to once more receive without giving.

I'm not going to pack your things. In fact, I'm changing the locks. You will need to negotiate for an exchange of rent and bills as part of the negotiation for the things you left here when you set up your abused woman/runaway scenario.

If you come to take without having responded to this email I will call the police and explain that you have menaced us in the past and explain that you have skipped out on your rent.

What I'm proposing in lieu of you continuing with your subtle passive domination over my/our lives is for us to enter mediation at St. Stephens if you are not interested, as you have shown, in being a truthful present part of an unfacilitated negotiation between adults.

Also, your aunt T. called and is looking for you as I'm sure are your parents. Please take the responsibility for dealing with them away from us by contacting them yourself.

This is me once more offering your own power and purpose when you've tried so hard to give it away.

Don't call. Please email so we have a record of what you've said you would do.

Also, I'm once more requesting that you take any reference to me off your website. It's not fair that you be able to capitalize off your association with me when I've received so little safe reciprocal alliance in return.

bongafish feels the same way about you using the pictures she took of you, so you can remove those as well.

You can email your response to the listserv addrss."


no response about making moving arrangements

Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:12 pm
"Biafra,

You kicked me in the head until you made sure that there was nothing
left for you in my life. You. You did that. Talk to your own self
about the life you've made for yourself. Don't bring your childish
guilting and manipulation to me. I'm so sick of it. It's horrifying
and pathetic at the same time.

Now, take any mention of me, darkdaughta.com or One Tenacious Baby
Mama off your blog. It's promotion and alliance you don't deserve
given what you've tried to do and given how you've tried to cover your
ass without being accountable for what you've done.

You've made yourself an ex friend and ex community member. What would
you have me call the fucked up bitch tactics you've engaged in? Would
it be better if I was kind, stupid and gentle and continued to let you
screw me?

But yes, that would give you some sense of superiority and a sense of
having gotten some blood somewhere. Are you so immature that you
actually believed there would be no consequences at all for the sort
of shit you've pulled?

So, unless you've got something that looks like you taking
responsibility for your nasty ways and for digging into the roots of
them on your blog and sending that information as a clear, not
linguistically clouded warning to all the people you know, including
your support group, any friends you might be lining up to punish, as
an apology to papi's mama who has helped you in some really tangible ways
and to your family as a way to hold them

accountable for what they've done, don't email me, don't call here and
then give someone else the phone. Don't bring any of your fucked up
shit around me.

In terms of the bills and the rent and your stuff moving out, I'd like
to propose mediation through one of the services in the city. It's the
only way I can see you allowing yourself to be accountable, but even
then, I know that you'll try to guilt and manouever around the
mediator. So, it would probably be good for you to have a witness come
to see what you do and how you move as it's named. So that we might
have a snowball's chance in hell of keeping you honest."


no response about making moving arrangements

Fri Feb 10, 2006 3:36 pm
"where you could continue to look, feel and act the victim. Now we, who

demanded that you stop lying and manipulating are your tormentors.
Biafra, do you remember Taz's ex and his running from recognition of the
life he had created? So, now you've got liberal counsellors and social
workers to seduce and manipulate into giving you your way. That must
be working out well. A really healthy situation, I'm sure.

In any case, after months of feeling worried about what all/any of you
would or wouldn't do, could or couldn't do, I've started to come out
about azania and the dynamics in the house that led to me asking you
and njeri to leave, and deciding to not engage with Taz and phoenix
anymore. I forced bongafish to go back to her parent's home last weekend
when she was bent on continuing to act out her upset with them on me instead.

I'm still not speaking to phoenix. and Taz and have no plans to.
They're just too manipulative and deceitful. I'm interacting with
njeri, but only because she's working her tail off around the house.

I think about you sometimes but I'm so full of dislike for what you've
managed to accomplish in the short time you've known me, that I know
we're not going to be sharing space anytime soon. The wounds and
damage just go too deep. I'm sure you're agreeing, siting invented
scenes of Biafra torment to back up the malevolence you insist on
directing at me. I can't stop you from wanting to consume the blood of
anyone who comes into contact with you. I know your trauma/drama stuff
isn't mine specifically, I just tripped over you by accident and
didn't have the sense to get away quickly enough.

I'm feeling more full of words, whereas before, when confronted with
the various silences and lies you all maintained and enforced, I felt
wordless and powerless. This does not of course mean that I'm not
missing a good few years/months of time I could have spent organizing
on my own, and that I'm not approaching forty knowing that I've
squandered my opportunities and insights by sharing them with people
who didn't deserve to have the access to me and to my family. No, I'm
good and screwed. But the reality is, I was screwed before I met all
of you. I just hoped against all hope that a fair exchange would offer
me something to redeem a life spent defying and championing stupid
political causes. Not so.

So, thanks for giving me that shot to the head along with phoenix, bongafish
and Taz, I needed it to stop lying to myself about being in
"community".

Good luck to you. Whenever you've got a big plan for moving your stuff
out that doesn't involve taking energy from me, let me know what it
looks like. I figure because you can't help but try to hustle, we'll
have to go through mediation anyways.

In terms of your blog. Thanks for continuing to be such a source of
absolute replicated oppression in your own life and in ours.

thanks for insisting on not understanding your own complexity and for
speaking petulantly from that place.

Thanks for being a soft-voiced predator undercover. I still think that
you could have learned a lot from spending more time with phoenix and
Taz.

Thanks for the side ways references to ableism in community while not
referencing how you tangled your own deceitful, manipulative web pressing
the buttons of your community members who hadn't already dealt with
their ableist shit, expected to do the same with me and raged and lashed out
when you realized you couldn't elicit the same results from me as you did from
others...and
got tangled in your own web.

Thanks for not speaking clearly about what you perpetrated and
perpetuated in the time you spent in community.

Thanks for sarcastically making it seem in your blog's sidebar as if
we're trying to oppress you by pointing out how you used my name and
bongafish's pictures to build hype for yourself while choosing to not take
and use anything of substance to move your life or your relationships
with us.

Thanks for insisting on not coming clean.

If anything, you're always consistent.

I guess I can keep checking that blog. But since you've been outed,
you seem to be avoiding posting there. :) Set up twisted shop
somewhere else?


no response"


no response about making moving arrangements

during the Vernal Equinox Council Biafra agreed to offer a proposal for moving her things and for intentionally disengaging from azania. she sent nothing.


Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:32 pm
darkdaughta wrote:
"Biafra,

Can you please select a day that you will be able to come with a
moving van/truck to take away your bed, dresser, side table, clothing,
kitchen appliances, futon, books, cds, sheets, knick knacks, videos,
shoes, files and other personal effects?

We need to clear out your room so that we can repaint it and so that
phoenix can move her things in.

Also, the landlord sent the water bill for last year. It's a few hundred dollars. Can you please let us know how much you can contribute to the bill?

If I've left anything out or if what I've posted here is inaccurate,
can someone please email with comments?

Thanks, darkdaughta"

no response about making moving arrangements



Tue Apr 4, 2006 5:54 pm
"Biafra,
Haven't heard from you and we're fully engaged in making physical and
foundational changes in the house that necessitated you making
decisions about picking up your stuff. At this point, we need to clear
out your personal effects to make room for phoenix in the room down the
hall. It's been primed and is ready to paint. But there is still the
matter of you not taking the driver's seat in relation to your own
things. phoenix has packed them in garbage bags and some boxes she
managed to get from Taz. There was talk about putting the stuff
outside with a tarp over it all. I didn't like the sound of us leaving
a heap of potential garbage outside the house...too depressing and
ugly when we're trying to move the house back into being a thing of
beauty once again. Then phoenix suggested we do a switch of her stuff for
yours and let you know that everything will be there for the month of
April and that at the end of April, whatever hasn't been picked up
will be put out onto the curb for the garbage men and dumpster divers
to deal with. I understand that this leaves a particular hole for you
where you could simply come and pick over whatever you want and leave
the rest for us to manage. This is not that kind of party. Your stuff,
your responsibility to move or throw out or give away. So, if you
come, please come prepared to make some sort of arrangements for
everything that belongs to you. This is also not an invitation to just
show up at Taz's. You're still expected to email with a schedule
and plan about how the move is going to proceed so that we can make
any necessary arrangements to accomodate you and your proposal on our
end. So...today is Tuesday...by Friday afternoon can you please send a
transmission with a plan about where to from here including stuff like
what you plan to do with the bigger pieces like your futon and frame,
the kitchen table seminalson and I bought for you, your mattress and box frame?

Thanks.
darkdaughta"


response...

Biafra wrote:
"i'm just writting to say i just got this email. i will have a proposal by friday and it will be on the blog, the rest of the post i will also post on the blog.

I understand that things need to move physically and fgoundationally and i'm sitting on the process. I will make arrangements for a mover and a van hopefully for this week and if not this weekend then before the end of next week.

In the mean time since council, i've moved.
My new address is
(snip)
My new number: (snip)

And as for the water bill, is there a deadline? cos then i could try and move faster but in the next two weeks when my next cheque comes i should be able to contribute (snip)"


darkdaughta wrote back:
"Biafra:
I sent the second email when it seemed as if you weren't going to
respond to the first email about setting a timetable to move your things.

We'll be moving your things over the Taz's so that you can move as
you will and struggle with her (not us) over timetable stuff.

We're not actually seeking at this point to work with you around the
intricacies of your move. We're simply letting you know where all your
stuff will be so that you can make the necessary decisions without
impacting us any further.

All this to say, I'm not really sure what you meant when you mentioned
perhaps getting a moving van for this weekend. That sounds as if you
would be dropping in on our lives with no notice, no consideration, no
care, no respect and just doing what you need to do for yourself.

That doesn't sound like negotiation, that doesn't sound like a
proposal, but more like a threat: I'll be dropping by when I want to
turn alll your schedules upside down.

Nonchalantly proposing that you might or might not come to pick up
your things on the weekend is not a viable option at this point as you
took it off the table by not giving us sufficient notice.

In terms of the water bill for last year, by the time you emailed back
with the note below, the bill was already past due. We paid it and are
just following up with you to let you know that a percentage of the
bill accrued by you is needed.

Congratulations on your move. Hope it works for you. Bye. darkdaughta"


a response...

Biafra wrote:
Thu Apr 6, 2006 8:54 pm
"I responded in a hurry, because i thought that there
was a timeline..there is a timeline and my
understanding was that this move would need to happen
as soon as possible or that you and other azanians
would like it to happen that soon as well.Precisely
because i have delayed in responding and been
irresponsible for my things but also left you and
every one else to deal with my belongings as has been
pointed out. I pretty much thought that it was a
request for me to come and pick the stuff up now or it
might end up on the street but also to address the
fact that i would be taking/disposing of everything
that i left at the house.

And now you are trying to move stuff in the house so
that it is more livable/suitable for you and me and my
things were/are blocking this process.Thats where the
proposal for a moving van came from, i had not made
arrangements even at that time but could have and
still can as is neccessary.

If my things will be moved over to Taz's, whatever
day it is that it is happening, I can come with the
mover instead or deal with the moving of the things
straight to my place instead of Taz's. Or i can
arrange with Taz over timetable stuff and pick
them up.

I'm proposing that on the day my things are being
moved, they be moved to my place instead by the
movers and van because i'm imagining that it will
cost money energy time that is unneccessary and were/
are my responsibility in the first place.

I also know that the move is one of the many
things/issues that i said that i would address and
plan to do so.

I would still like to negotiate not threaten or
disrupt any ones schedule but respectfully negotiate
my move. I have a proposal ready that will be posted
on the blog today.

Biafra"


darkdaughta wrote:
Fri Apr 7, 2006 3:42 pm

"Biafra, responding in a hurry would have meant you responding to
requests to develop a planned proposal for your own packing and move
months ago. The timeline, the energy and the effort was supposed to be
yours not ours. What you've worked out, even with us attempting to
extend in various ways, has been for your stuff to be packed up by us,
not by you, which, was, it seems, your original intent.

It would be irresponsible on your part, if it did not serve the
purpose of getting your affairs managed without you having to do the work.

It was a request for you to do what we have been asking and
develop a plan that would allow us to move on and for you to move your
own things. Any veiled threat about putting your stuff on the street
is obviously ludicrous as we've already had your things all this time
and haven't put them out on the street.

The request comes out of the knowledge that even after our last
meeting, you were fine with letting things lax and with not taking
control of your own affairs on this end by continuing to lay low, not
communicate and not offer any plan of action.

All belated and infused with the knowledge that you wouldn't
make a move without us begging. All infused with the fact that you 've
only made the smallest, convenient move - offering a moving truck -
after we've packed your things for you and developed a timeline on our
own.

We'll email you once the stuff has been moved to Taz's and
you can make the necessary arrangements with her at your leisure. The
purpose is so that we coordinate as little of your move, provide as
little of the impetus for your actions as possible, thereby removing
ourselves from the picture and allowing(forcing) you to act of your
own volition without there being reactions, ramifications for us. This
is as neutral a space as we've been able to identify where whatever
you choose to do or not do will remain at the necessary distance from
us as we attempt to move onward.

To bad your proposal came after we waited for months and after
the council when we waited some more. Yes, it will cost money and energy to
move your things to Taz's, but the payback for us will be in peace
and in taking charge of something that we mistakenly left for you to
define and organize...the packing and movement of your own things.

It's taken a while for us to get started, but extricating your things
from the rest of the house is coming along bit by bit. What with
summer coming, the process is a hopeful one that promises so much new
growth. There's no need to disturb the energy we're attempting to
generate by offering an entry point for you that allows you to
continue to avoid putting in the necessary energy for your own move.

Yes, Biafra, I'm sure you do plan to address them. But I fear
that you may just need to address them with yourself or with your
counsellor as the very idea that you could have made the choices
you've made and have nothing by way of negotiation, insight, solid
commitment to...anything to offer, save "i said that i would address
(them) and plan (at some convenient point in the future) to do so" is
completely ludicrous, if not downright arrogant. Who do you think is
waiting while you pull all the strings and make decisions that only
benefit you, when you feel like it?

Your proposal comes way too long after the fact for it to be
anything but a stop gap measure offered by someone who really didn't
give enough of a care to function of her own volition with the peace
of mind and well being of others in mind.

You sound as if you're doing management, trying to seem as if you're
acting in good faith, although, it's clear that you haven't been
willing to act in good faith and that you haven't actually even in
these few lines you offered, come with anything solid. Just more "wait
for me until I get around to doing something".

Biafra, this is why we're moving your things out and don't want to have
the move utilized as a venue for you to engage with us. You're not
bringing anything but more energy drain. You haven't offered anything
but more energy drain. So, instead of waiting for you to take charge
of your own move, we made some decisions that will still allow you to
access your things without making any big drama in our lives.

From then on in, however you choose to engage will not be hinged on
your personal effects, but merely on your willingness to...to...You
know what, I'm not sure what engaging with you, given all the various
invitations that have been offered, will actually look like.

Maybe that'll be another proposal you can draw up at some point in the
future.

bye, darkdaughta"

the rest of the communications related to moving are already here...

Friday, April 07, 2006

proposal for belongings at woodbine

I have left this for others to deal with and then point out that they were dealing with it, for me to feel entitled to feel enraged/resentful or claim any of these feelings without addressing what I did that necessitated boundaries to be set around me, in relation to me or my plain and obvious choice to exit, without consideration for anyone else but myself.

Darkdaughta, phoenix fish, seminal son,bongafish this still does not address you request that I truthfully, respectfully painstakingly break down everything that I did in azania and then use that to contextualize what i say and do after that.

This is part of a response to what I did in azania. One of them was leave my home with my belongings still in their place, leave my home with bills unpaid, rent unpaid and unacknowledged and to refuse to communicate around taking care of these responsibilities. I also left without written notice and refused to participate in a negotiation process. And since then I have left it up to other azanians to worry and take care of my responsibilities including my belongings that I left at the house where I used to live.

Since then azanians have requested, not once but twice now that I take responsibility for my belongings for my things,

Here is my proposal.
I also know that because of the impact that dealing with my unclaimed belongings taking up space without the consent of members of the woodbine house, that my belongings may simply be moved to taz’s house. In that case, I’d like to propose that I arrange for the movers to show up and pay them for their services and then move the things to my place instead of Kingston house. It is already enough that my belongings may have been sorted and packed by the people that I forced to deal with my responsibility. I can make all of the arrangements to ensure that the transportation, loading part is taken care of but I do not know if this proposal applies or is relevant.but i would like to avoid two moves, one to kingston house and then one to my place eventually.

I moved out in January and my most of my belongings have remained unclaimed and unaddressed by me since I left the house. I left my mail and I did not alert people that I no longer lived there forcing azanians to inform my friends, family that I had left. I left my mattress and its frame, dresser, futon and frame, some kitchen appliances in use in the kitchen, books on the bookshelf, pictures framed on the walls, makeup and the like in the bathroom, my sheets in malm, a filing cabinet full of my papers and documents, cd’s and videos in the living room, random things like candle labras, plates, cups etc. I did not pack or offer to address the packing of these things, I did not initiate the packing, pick up and arrangements of these things.

I basically forced a situation where other azanians wanting to move on and continue with their lives and a process that feels good and encourages growth in an organized house have been forced to pack, initiate a process when I can pick up and arrange for my belongings.

I propose to come with a van and movers to do the loading and moving of my belongings except for the following. I’m proposing that the move happen in one day, in a couple of hours, with everything packed, sorted negotiated before hand.
I would like to leave most things that is if it agreed, that are currently in use at the house, unless azanians would like for me to keep them or have no use for them then I will keep them and move them along with the rest of my things they include

Furnishings: the futon frame and mattress, the dining table that seminal son and darkdaughta bought for me, the lamps that were in dawn, the storage cabinet in the kitchen that I picked up with seminal son, the orange mat, the orange stool, the metal storage shelf in the shower bathroom, the garbage can, the plastic baskets, the ikea hanging unit, the wicker jewellery holders that darkdaughta gave to me.

Appliances: the can opener, I have one already
Utensils: I am indifferent especially as they became collective and I do not remember what came with. The same applies to wine/drinking glasses and mugs and plates.

Sheets: The chocolate sheet set that was bought collectively, the orange bed cover,
Books: I leave with the books that were on my shelf before I moved into woodbine house, everything else was bought collectively for azania.

Clothing: there are some special items that I am fine with leaving/returning to azania. the leather jacket that darkdaughta got phoenix to buy for me, all the purses, the blue corset, the pink lingerie, the big black rubber/leather jacket, the black studded belt darkdaughta picked for me.

I’d like to keep all my shoes including the ones that darkdaughta bought for me, I’d like to take the leather vest. I’d like to take all my pictures and photo album.

I’m writing this knowing that because I chose to cease all everyday non hostile communication with the rest of azania, I’ve chosen to detach myself from the everyday context and lived schedule reality of the community that you’ve all continued to build with each other. So I have chosen not to know/concern myself with what you do in the morning, afternoon or night, when anything is happening and how it will be happening when I used and could have chosen to stay in this sharing process.

There is also the fact that I have not published blog entries requested of me to address my physical absence in azania, the harm that this continues to cause, whom it is impacting the most and the fact that this makes me a very unsafe person to be around. So I imagine that my proposal to come to sort, pack anything would have a negative impact without me addressing this reality and the state of my personal relationships with azanians. That is I have destroyed most of what there was of my relationships with azanians so much so that I expect that the though of spending time with me or in proximity to me will be/ could be emotionally draining and damaging. And it is completely up to me to do anything to address the situation that I’ve created.

To begin to address this, this is what my schedule is looking like for the next two weeks so that it is clear where, a move, a packing, a sorting might take place.

I have currently completed a temp. position that I had and so now the only commitment that I have is school and exams in the next week.


My tentative schedule for the next couple of weeks:

Friday7 – Sunday 9: no prior commitments, flexible
Monday 10: Exam
Tuesday 11- Thursday 13: no commitments, flexible
Friday 14- Monday 17: Brampton
Tuesday 18: all assignments due.
Wednesday 19 – 30: (still open, no prior commitments/obligations)

Saturday, March 25, 2006

ITS A WHITE DAYno words left, just action now

IN MOVING THRU the house now this morning, I actually wonder how long b4 I blow things to kingdom come. Sure there is the everyday, basic foundational stuff that needs to happen, and then there is all of the stuff that I have sad on - to move my relationship with Darkdaughta out of functional and into unwavering ally.
My readings/ writings/ relationship building that would support the supposed moves I'm trying to make for myself. After 5 years of her struggling with me, to challenge myself, I'm not sure how much more there is for me to say to her - and only know, that all that counts now are my actions now.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Biafra...

Sooo Stumperella...
Where's your counsellor? You haven't mentioned her recently. From the large distance between your first post here, the one you wrote on your own blogsite and the response post you gave to seminalson, you are still much in need of some counsel from someone you can build more trust with than you ever were able to with us.

And why are positioning your skulking away to make new friends as something liberational, something radically different than what you did when you were inside azania. Remember, this is where many shared friendship and bio family alliances with you freely, shared access to resources they gleaned from outside contacts with you without question. What you've done is just the logical conclusion of the feed you did while you were here. What was ours was yours and what was yours was yours. That was the way of your world.

And why are you seemingly attempting to manage us after these long months of distance?

Why would you not take advantage of this time not as an opening, but as a more consensual way to say goodbye?

I mean, given your skill at replaying your trauma life scripts even with those of us hwo have been unwilling to follow the directions you gave nonverbally, why does it feel as if this is the final act in your rejection play where you wreak absolute havoc, run away and then return, we do the intelligent thing and say: No...Then you get to point and say how we turned you out in the cold left you when you actually came back in earnest.

Biafra, no one wants to re-engage with the drama/torment creation machine you walk everywhere with. You've given absolutely nothing that says this isn't what you're bringing. As I pointed out up above, no counsellor to light your way, no friends who recognized what you were doing of their own accord, no one commited to your health and well being.

You're coming fully loaded with unexpressed shit having spent a few months fucking off as far as I can see. Waiting till the absolute last minute to respond seems like a tactic. You haven't re-built any lines of communication, you haven't addressed any of the really messed up things you wrote about the hatred you have for bongafish or seminalson or the cruel indifference you cultivated for phoenix along with whom you built a monogamous couple bubble which you abandoned when you left, running away like a teenager.

There is a wide gap between the complete lack of accountability, lack of interest you've shown toward dealing with azania, the issues you created with your presence and with you exit, toward the mess you contributed to and even about taking apart and better understanding your own pain and suffering at the hands of your abusers and your family and these decontextualized notes you wrote and posted yesterday.

I might be missing it but there seems to be very little sign of an interest in cultivating the willingness to not substitute you abusers and family for unsuspecting friends and lovers when the rage you carry comes over you. There doesn't seem to be any safety built into what you're saying when you reference your dangerously furious and completely unethical three year old.

In actuality, it seems as if you're bringing her for us to manage or not manage as best as we can, which was what you did purposefully when we were all sharing space.

All this to say...
I have moments of ego where I fantasize about doing the unexpected and managing to ride this out and have azania emerge with all of us still onboard. What a coup that would be. How people's mouths would fall open and their eyes pop out. :)

And I have moments of tenderness...fleeing...where I dream up a happy place for all of us complete with healthy interactions and truth.

But this isn't reality.

In real time, I know that you, bongafish, seminalson, phoenix and taz are still at really different places and that given the embraced unwillingness to do your (biafra's) work and the drive to allow the effects of that personal work to trickle into the rest of your life, given the resentment and rage you're given to harbouring and redistributing through your relationships, you're not safe to be around.

I mean, none of us 100% safe, but you're REALLY not safe, flying without instruments, didn't want to install, don't care whose flying onboard with you, diving at cliffs and bodies of water while laughing hysterically at the sound of your passengers' screams, telling them that you know all about the wall you're about to fly them into cuz someone flew you into it repeatedly and now it's your passengers turn so you really don't give a fuck about them because you're finally in charge and you've got a parachute and you fucking hate them anyways...

So, yes, do come this evening.

But I am not walking with anything you can use to find direction.

I told bongafish and seminalson and phoenix that my sidewalk in terms of knowing where I wanted to head with all of you ended a really long time ago. I have no vision of how this is supposed to work, how it could work ended a few months ago.

All I know for sure is I've got a four year old gift I need to build a life for, a primary partner I'm trying to build releationshiup with, a green bedroom, a blog and a child on the way.

How the rest of you want to build adjacent to that with me and with each other will unfold as you exert more leadership in your own lives, personal work and take responsibility for the community you've committed to building...or not.